Since I was a little girl, I have known I was the real sensitive type. I was quick to anger (still am) and slow to let go of an old grievance. I would always ask, “Why they say that?” when someone would make an off the cuff remark. It would stay in my head all day like some skipping record. If somebody told me something that I could improve upon, I’d beat myself up for days on end. As a youngster, I developed this pattern of seeing everything people did wrong to me. I then rationalized all of my responses based upon what they said or did. This meant, I ignored my contribution to the negative relationship.
I remember the first time I took responsbility for a wrong doing. I didn’t understand something my best friend did. And I started talking about it with other people. One day, one of my fellow male gossipers blabbed some stuff I said. Of course, not mentioning what he said and how that conversation opened up. One day my best friend confronted me on something I said. She was like, “I heard you been talking shi*t.” I admitted it and said I was wrong. I should have came to her, this was my gurl. She was like blood, anybody that had beef with her I wanted to kick their ass. So I felt real low after betraying that bond. I knew I hadn’t taken the high moral road. By that time, I didn’t like who I was and what I was doing with my life. What we discussed that day made me question all this victim-hood which I had embraced. It made me want to be a better person and at that time I didn’t know how. I began a spiritual journey trying to find a place where I could feel like my actions reflected the kind of person I wanted to be.
I find that everyday in life, there are numerous circumstances when I have overlooked someone’s feelings. Most of it was unintentional and most of the lapses occured because I get so pre-occupied in my day to day tasks. There are people I forgot to call, waiting for those anytime minutes. There are thank you cards I forgot to send because I’m absent minded and couldn’t remember where I placed the stamp. There are friends I need to visit, but am too busy procrastinating on this research project and now the deadline is looming. I remember meeting a new friend and she was so mad at me because it took me several days to call her back. We were never able to repair our friendship.
I have some friends who were mad at me for one reason or other. And as a sensitive person, I can say they have reasons to be upset. I have one of those overly analytical, skeptical, judgmenal minds and I think while I talk. And this means that I have said a lot of stuff without thinking it all the way through. I have said hurtful things about people and done hurtful things. I’ve snapped on some folks and remained silent with some who really need to be snapped on, or just plain beat down.
There are people on myspace mad at me because I was slow to add them as friends or my comments are not as frequent as theirs. Some people think I am judging them because of how they choose to represent themselves. In actuality, I am not. To each their own, as long as they are doing their thing and doing it well.
A friend shared an experience over this weekend that reminded me how easy it is to offend people by being swept up in our own lives. The point is how do we reconcile that after we recognize we have wronged a friend. I am so over thinking aboutall the wrongs done to me. Yeah, there are some twisted, manipulative, and vindictive people, I’ll try to avoid those. But knowing that I have f*cked up in the past, makes me more forgiving. My sensitivites have brought me to a point where I can be empathetic to the pain I cause other people. In that light, I can be more empathetic to the poor soul who walks around oblivious to the pain that they cause others. Without that level of development, how do you expect to grow emotionally and spiritually? I hope I’m making baby steps and opening up room in my heart. I pray that people I hurt will come to forgive me and that those who have hurt me, I can forgive them.