Category Archives: Muslim

On Single Muslim Women Traveling and Working

Posted in Gender Relations in Islam, Muslim, Muslim Communities in America, Muslim Women by

I have written before about forbidding wrong and judgmental people. I have found some of the social pressures and moral judgments from our community quite oppressive. Things many people in the West may consider quite normal become bastions of inequity. Things like two couples going out for dinner ((gasp!)) or hosting a female language student in your home ((gasp!)). I am aware that there are a wide range of social practices and mores. I try not to judge those who are more rigid or fluid in their interpretations of Islam, but that favor is rarely returned in kind. This is especially the case when it comes to sociological and cultural practices, as opposed to religious and spiritual practices. Gender segregation is a sociological practice that has a cultural basis. For some Muslims who practice gender segregation, the free mixing between the sexes is tantamount to an all and out orgy. As a single woman living in the Muslim world (both in America and the Middle East), I have been on the receiving end of a lot of negative judgments.

I know that there are many Muslims who do not believe that women should live on their own, let alone travel without a close male relative or husband. There are Muslims who won’t have a conversation with an unrelated man or even have a business related meeting alone with an unrelated man. I know for one graduate student, this caused serious problems. I’ve been Muslim for 14 years and for all but 2 ½ years, I’ve had to navigate things on my own. I guess I have a more pragmatic take. I’ve preferred to live as a “loose woman,” working outside the home, traveling by myself , choosing a career as a western trained scholar rather than choose a circumscribed life. I have seen too many vulnerable women who are abused by their spouses and feel helpless to change their situation. I know relatively happy women, who in their youth had ambitious career plans but decided to live conservative lives. A number of my college friends are now stay at home mothers who are deeply involved in their children’s education and community life. I am proud of them and admire their efforts. I have a lot of respect for women’s work. But, I could not limit myself to being only a wife and mother, but also a scholar in order to make a contribution to my community. Finding that balance is difficult, but I think it is possible.
But women who have not given up their career paths in order to get married are looked down upon. I don’t think I’m taken as seriously as a man in my position. I guess in their mind they are like, “How cute, she can write papers!” Perhaps that is the reason why I have gotten little support from my community.

I experienced my first major dose of judgment when I was 18. It had to do with my living situation and the fact that I didn’t live with my parents. People would tell me that I should move back home without understanding my family situation. Nor did they understand how much the family I stayed with helped me stay in school and pursue my education aspirations. At that time, there were few Muslim women living on their own or even renting rooms together. And there is no real community support for convert women. No aid for finding housing, few jobs in the community that offered competitive pay, and definitely no social services for any sisters who had a hard time finding work because she wore hijab. Instead, they encourage new convert women to get married right away. It didn’t take me too long to figure out that our Ummah has really not created a space for women like me.

I suppose the dilemma for a Muslim woman traveling in the Middle East is to pick which scandalous living arrangement she’ll have. If you live by yourself, you’re a loose woman (without a mahram) with no one moderating your behavior, if you live with a family you are inviting scandal (living with a non-mahram man). Perhaps if you live in a commune of ultra-religious women you might escape stigma. But then again, who knows? You can still draw controversy. Basically, you have no business having any ambitions outside of being married.

I am aware that people are often well intentioned in their judgmental behavior. But I do think that it is important that they be aware of how their imposing views can be seriously detrimental to the emotional and spiritual well being of others. There’s nothing more lonely than being part of a community. Just to get by, I have had to make a lot of fluid interpretations of my religion. I would never have been a doctoral student if I followed the Fiqh books like a manual for life. And because of that, I am judged. But getting the same message—“you are not in line”—pounded down my throat turns me off from wanting to engage with this community. I guess we should be reminded that it is easy to judge whether someone is in line with some social norm or cultural practice that may or may not reinforce spirituality. But we cannot judge what is in someone’s heart or know their spiritual station. And because of that, we should be humble and reflect on our own intentions when we tell someone what they are doing wrong and why they should change some aspect of their lives.

In the Muslim World

Posted in Convert, Gender Relations in Islam, Muslim, Muslim Women, Travel by

What does it mean being in the Muslim world? Does it mean that a society is more Islamic?  Does the percentage of Muslims make a difference? What about the percentage of women who cover and men who wear big beard and long thobes? What happened to all those traits we’d hear about in khutbas about the Ummah being an exemplary community, the best of peoples, etc…etc…

Well, the Muslim world isn’t this happy Muslim place where people are singing “Tala al badru wa’alayna” skipping down the streets giving salaams to their neighbors. No, the Muslim world is a place where a woman will get hit on and ripped off by an airport worker within 1/2 an hour of stepping on Muslim soil. The Muslim world is where a throng of people pass by an old lady struggling carrying her loaded bags and some random western woman offers to help. The Muslim world is where cars mow down pedestrians on the road and where everyone cusses each other out. The Muslim world is where men say disgusting things to hijab wearing women sweating profusely in the humid  air.

Being in the Muslim world means your landlord commands you to cover the toilet seat because there are jinn residing in the toilet and he accuses your roommate of practicing magic. It also means that he or his sons feel like they can come into your apartment at any time at night and take stuff out.

Being in the Muslim world means being thankful that you meet up with old college friends who will take care of you and make sure your stay is as comfortable as possible. It means you are thankful for the rare and random acts of generosity from those Muslims in the Muslim world who truly exemplify the beauty of Islam—Sadaqa and Karamah.

Diseases of the Heart–Narcissism

Posted in Bay Area, Muslim, Muslim Women, Relationships, Sufism, Sunnah by

I just read that today’s college students are more narcissistic than their earlier counterparts (Study: College Students More Narcissistic ). It reminds me of a talk that Dr. Robert Frager, a noted pyschologist and Sufi, gave last year about the diseases of the heart. During that lecture, I remember a deep fear sinking into the pit of my stomach. It was not for me, even though I have a whole bunch of personal work, but for a friend that I no longer speak to. Frager mentioned that a person with a diseased heart hates criticism even when the criticism is to help them actualize the person they are truly meant to be. Frager also stated that this type of person is afraid of intimacy and therefore cannot get close anyone. After hearing this talk, I really wanted to be there for my friend. I really wanted to have a real conversation about what I learned. But it never happened. Which is best because I probably would have been attacked regardless of my intentions. It makes me sad, because I truly believe in that person and believe that they can make a world of difference if they stopped surrounding themselves by people who only gave them adulation and ignored their shortcomings. We are often able to see the flaws in others, but rarely in ourselves. Yet I am one of those hyper self-critical people; I am aware of my flaws, but find it difficult to overcome them. I know narcissism when I see it, because I’ve developed antibodies for it. And one only has such antibodies if they have been afflicted with this pathology at one point or another. I state this humbly. There is no benefit in me being self-righteous.

Narcissism

use their looks to get what they want, is able to plan and work towards goals successfully, loves themself, optimistic, sparkling, achiever, self promoting, self assured, success driven, thinks they can charm anyone, ambitious, elegant, thinks they are better looking than most people (which they may or may not be), believes that they are special, more a leader than a follower, believes that other people are envious of them, loves to win awards, fits in most places, seductive, purposeful, believes in success through appearances, assertive, goal oriented, would love to have buildings and monuments named after them, believes they deserve all the good things they have, likes to be popular

Narcissism – Global Advanced Trait Descriptions

NARCISSISM (n. sing.)

A pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance and ambition.

Narcissism is named after the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus who was a handsome Greek youth who rejected the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. In punishment of his cruelty, he was doomed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his love, he pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name to this very day.

WHAT IS NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)?

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been recognized as a seperate mental health disorder in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM) in 1980. Its diagnostic criteria and their interpretation have undergone a major revision in the DSM III-R (1987) and were substantially revamped in the DSM IV in 1994. The European ICD-10 basically contains identical language.

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

Firmaly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation -or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply).

Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations

Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends
Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others

Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her
Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.

The language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from:

American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Sam Vaknin. (1999). Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited, first edition. Prague and Skopje: Narcissus Publication. (“Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited” http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/faq1.html )

More Data About Pathological Narcissists

Most narcissists (75%) are men.
NPD (=the Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is one of a “family” of personality disorders (formerly known as “Cluster B”). Other members: Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.
NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders (“co-morbidity”) – or with substance abuse, or impulsive and reckless behaviours (“dual diagnosis”).
NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).
There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.
It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.
Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.
The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.
There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions – from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.
Narcissists are either “Cerebral” (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) – or “Somatic” (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and “conquests”).
Narcissists are either “Classic” – see definition below – or they are “Compensatory”, or “Inverted” – see definitions here: “The Inverted Narcissist” – http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/faq66.html
NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioural). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviours (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) – usually with some success.

The narcissistic individuals that I know usually have a hubris whirling around them. There are many narcissists who are attractive, and use their looks and charm to manipulate others. Then there many narcissists that are highly attractive individuals, not in the physical sense, but have alluring qualities that appeal to others in a non-sexual way. They draw people to them because they are purpose driven and charismatic. They wouldn’t want to live their lives any other way. They like to be in the center of action–making things happen. Some of us get sucked in because we want to help, but they are selling a pipe dream that is corrupted by their own misguidance. Sometimes we can navigate their social pathologies and get something done, but often their larger than life egos get in the way. Mental illness and diseases of the heart are unlike other diseases. You can’t contract them. But I have never seen a narcissist cured. It is especially tragic to see Muslim narcissists because our traditions have diagnosed this disease and have a treatment to help treat those who are afflicted.

Some narcissists are humbled, but it is usually in old age, maybe after a stroke or something, but that is after leaving a whole path of destruction in their wake. They cause a world of hurt and have little empathy for those they leave damaged. They don’t recognize that they are sick, nor do the people who are loyal to them and condone their behavior. Those who are hurt by narcissists need to recognize that the perpetrators are truly sick individuals. Instead of being angry, we should feel sorry for them and their self delusions.

It is important for all of us to understand this disorder because narcissists are usually quick to place themselves in positions of leadership or power in our communities.

Al-Bukhari and Muslim have reported on the authority ofAbdullah ibn Umar that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said: “Truly, Allah will not take away knowledge by snatching it away from people, but by taking away the lives of the people of knowledge one by one until none of them survive. Then the people will adopt ignorant ones as their leaders. They will be asked to deliver judgements and they will give them without knowledge, with the result that they will go astray and lead others astray.”

When ‘Ubadah ibn as-Samit was asked about this hadith he said: If you want, I will tell you what the highest knowledge is, which raises people in rank: it is humility.”

He said this because there are two types of knowledge. The first produces its fruit in the heart. It is knowledge of Allah, the Exalted – His Names, His Attributes, and
His Acts – which commands fear, respect, exaltation, love, supplication and reliance on Him. this is the beneficial type of knowledge. As ibn Mas’ud said: “they will recite the Qur’an, but it will not go beyond their throats. The Qur’an is only
beneficial when it reaches the heart and is firmly planted in it.”

Some communities are able to isolate the narcissists. And other narcissists display behavior that is so transgressive and destructive that everyone has enough sense not to place them in positions of power. Still narcissists often have a circle of followers. They may be the dissenters in a community, raising a ruckus for whatever reason. Sometimes, they are productive and can be useful vehicles for doing good works. Though if not reigned in, they can reverse all those positive gains. Often, those that are under direct influence of these sick individuals are left hurt and feel manipulated. Sometimes the machinations of a narcissist can have ruinous effects and be detrimental to the mental stability of those who try to help them and their causes. In their pain, the victims develop other diseases of the heart:depression and despair or jealousy and envy.

Umar bin Al-Khattab, Radi-Allahu unhu, narrates: I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, “The reward of deeds depends upon the intentions. And every person will get the reward according to what he has intended.”

It is important that we recognize the diseases of the heart, such as narcissism, as they manifest themselves in our communities. Narcissists often warp shari’ah to suit their own purposes by bending the rules and apply them according to their whims. They participate in events or do certain things (frequenting the masjid, giving talks, hosting events, leading ‘movements’) to win adulation and respect from members of the community as opposed to doing it from the goodness of their own hearts.

They do shocking things just to be in the center of attention. And because they are our brothers and sisters, we often have a high toleration for them. It is important to recognize narcissism as a disease and not try to make sense of the absurdities and inconsistencies that exist in their lives. We can’t rationalize the irrational. We’ll drive ourselves crazy trying to make sense of their madness. Instead, we just have to chalk it up to the disease and then move on.

I am writing this because I believe each one of us has been affected by someone who is narcissitic. We may have loved ones, a father, brother, son, mother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, husband, or wife, who is one. If you don’t know of one, then you should really assess your own behavior and see if you have narcissistic traits. Here’s the Online NPA test . If you find yourself rating high on the test, perhaps you should do some serious work on purifying your heart and curing yourself of this debilitating disease. So, whether you are Sunni, Shi’i, Sufi, or Salafi, and even for those who are not Muslim, there is something that we can learn from tassawuf, purification of the heart.

Diary of a Lax Muslim Woman pt. 1

Posted in Fiqh, Hijab, Muslim, Sunnah, Ummah by

I wanted to reflect on a number of issues that many of us struggling Muslims face as we try to reconcile our own personal challenges, diseases of the heart, weakness of character, and our desire to be near our Lord.

Devout Muslim scholars, and their followers, have taken various stances on lax and non-practicing Muslims. In some texts, non-practicing Muslims are considered hypocrites. But to me, the Arabic term for hypocrite, munafiq, has such harsh connotations that I don’t think the term fits a non-practicing Muslim. But for the most part, Muslims accept somebody else as a believer and member of the community upon declaration of faith ( saying: “There is no Deity but the One God (Allah is the word for God in Arabic) and Muhammad is his messenger.”)

But let me reflect on the term hypocrite or munafiqun. From what I understand in the early history of Islam. The hypocrites, who are referred to in the Quran, were the groups of people in Medina who joined the Muslim community. They took Shahada, but did not believe in Muhammad’s (s.a.w.) message. Some joined the Muslims for financial or political gain and secretly they worked with the Meccans who wanted to stomp out the Muslim community. Muslims believe that the hypocrites are damned to the lowest depths of hell, lower than those who outright rejected Muhammad’s (s.a.w.) Message.

Main Entry: hyp·o·crite
Pronunciation: ‘hi-p&-“krit
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritEs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai
1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings
– hypocrite adjectiv

Here’s a definition of hypocrite that I picked up from USC MSA Compendium

a hypocrite, one whose external appearance is Islam (praying, fasting, “activism”, etc.) but whose inner reality conceals kufr – often unbeknownst to the person themselves. (See Al-Baqarah: 8-23). A Munafiq is more dangerous and worse than a Kafir.

According to Sahīh Bukhārī, the Prophet said, “Whoever has the following four (characteristics) will be a pure hypocrite and whoever has one of the following four characteristics will have one characteristic of hypocrisy unless and until he gives it up. 1. Whenever he is entrusted, he betrays. 2. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie. 3. Whenever he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous. 4. Whenever he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil and insulting manner.”

So, the lax Muslim may reflect #2 of the English definition of hypocrite. Some devout Muslims are completely intolerant of lax Muslims. I have always wondered why it was so threatening for some people. But I will explore those issues throughout my blog. Definition of lax:

LAX
Pronunciation: ‘laks
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin laxus loose — more at SLACK
1 a of the bowels : LOOSE, OPEN b : having loose bowels
2 : deficient in firmness : not stringent
3 a : not tense, firm, or rigid : SLACK b : having an open or loose texture c : having the constituents spread apart
4 : articulated with the muscles involved in a relatively relaxed state (as the vowel \i\ in contrast with the vowel \E\)
synonym see NEGLIGENT

Some people still believe that a non-practicing, sinning, or selectively practicing Muslim is a hypocrite. But there is a better Arabic term for a Muslim who openly violates Islamic law, Fasiq or fajir, an evil doer. But I remember reading a famous text, I’ll leave the name out for those who are still a fan (despite disregarding the appalling consequences if you follow the logic to its fullest extent). I remember the author finding hypocrites everywhere. Hypocrites could be secular Muslims, hypocrites could be non-practicing Muslims, hypocrites could be Muslims who wanted reforms in the way Islam was instituted in public life. But this mid-20th century definition of hypocrite, and eventually the takfir movement, would come to have dire consequences for the state of our Muslim community. The kind of hard core takfiring going on reminds of me of the Kharijites.

During the time of the Righteous Caliphs, a small group of fanatical Muslims believed that if you sinned you were no longer a believer, and therefore an apostate. They took this to the extreme and believed that a sinner could be executed. Their fanaticism led them to assisinate, the Prophet Muhammad’s (s.a.w.) nephew and son and law, Ali Ibn Abi Talib. They believed he sinned because he gave up his position as leader of the Muslims in arbitration. So, they murdered one of the best of among us. Through their terrible actions, the Kharijites, as they are known in historical record, sparked discussion by some of the best scholars. Many asked:”What makes somebody Muslim?” Shahada got you the club card, but how does one stay a member? Scholars came up with different positions. Only the Kharijites really took the stance that sinning, whether eating pork, drinking wine, or fornicating, equated disbelief. Some scholars argued that only Allah knows if someone is a true believer and it is not for humanity to judge. Others argued that a sinning Muslim was a hypocrite. The dominant position, and most reasonable opinion, seems to be that there are gradations of faith. There are weak Muslims and strong Muslims. Faith can change at a given time, for example Imam Ghazali (d. 1111) wrote about his own crisis of faith. From that crisis of faith, he returned and became the consolidator of sunnism. His works still inspire us to this day.

I hope to reflect on my journey from devout Muslim, to fallen Muslim, and my several attempts to find myself and my way again. I hope it will be an honest and informative blog. While I hope to keep it real, I will try my best not to reveal anyone else’s faults. I will only expose my own in hopes that some of you will avoid the pitfalls that I have been trapped in. For those who have navigated the treacherous dunya without backsliding or falling off, perhaps you can learn a lesson too. My main lesson that I hope to teach yall is the lesson of tolerance because Allah is truly the Best of Guides.

Time wasters

Posted in Academia, Gender Relations in Islam, Graduate Student, Muslim, Relationships, Writing by

Okay, I’m procrastinating big time right now. I have this paper deadline and I really hate it. I’m going to get started on it, for reals. But a new curse has entered our household. It is called basic cable. So, I’ve read all this stuff on slavery in Africa, the Sokoto Caliphate, and trading diasporas. I have 15 pages to write and about 25 hours to do it. I think I’m going to miss this deadline. I was really busy. We had this Barbecue on Saturday, house guests all week. And then, like I said, tv channels.

But that is not the kind of time wasters I’m talking about. I mean the real time wasters. Time wasters are those dead end relationships. People who are up in your face because they want to hear themselves talk. People who need constant attention in meaningless interactions. Looking back at the past two years, I think about some of time wasters who have monopolized my time. I’m really jealous of my time too. I sometimes wonder why some men want to be all in my face wasting my time. Maybe its because I’m pretty laid back and pretty open. Do I look and talk like I’m some fun-loving, adveturish air-head?Maybe I should act a little bit more diva-ish or something. I dunno, but I’d like for the time wasters to keep moving on. I’m making it my next mid-week resolution to swear off time wasters. I have proposals and exams to prepare for. Plus I need a side job tutoring rich brats. I can be far more productive if I avoid this breed of human beings. You know the time wasters I’m talking about. The people who message you and ask: “How are you doing this evening?” Or they ask for my IM address so they can chat up my precious spare time.

What about the men who want to fly in like they are on some kind of vacation and have me show them around? Look man, do I look like a tour guide? Dude, this is not your fantasy vacation. Creepy out of towners who write me that they want to meet me. Meet me for what? Because long distance poonanny has less strings attached than local poonanny? Anyways, what do I get out of it? I could have male attention to affirm my feminity, a meaningless interaction, or maybe some temporary physical gratification where I’m left wondering if the feelings were mutual or was I just being used.

I find local dating hard enough. It is often a cat-and-mouse game. Sort of like how long can I maintain his interest and avoid getting boned or left for someone else who will get down with him. I personally find dating obnoxious for all its games. And because I don’t like the game nor do I play by its rules, I really am unfamiliar with all the protocols of dating.

Anyways, there are tons of admonitions against Muslims dating. The whole halal-style meeting leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Plus I don’t have that good old reliable ethnic network where you can find out if a brotha is shady from word of mouth. And brothas are real quick to secure a marriage before all the dirty secrets come out. There goes the more natural, un-artificial way of getting to know someone before jumping into a relationship. Anyways, I’m not really interested in dating in the conventional sense. But at the same time, I’m not interested in hook-ups. That doesn’t mean that I’m not interested in getting to know people. It is all about bringing It with the right intentions.

Since few men are really approaching me with a realness and depth that I think I deserve I’ll substitute it for some other needs in my life. For instance, I could use a really great free translator. As far as the interactions I could really use, would be someone who is well read and a sharp intellectual. I would love to run into another academic who can help me in those intellectual quagmires I find myself in. Do they understand what the hell the subaltern school people are saying? Do they understand the shortcomings of World Systems Theory? Can they give me a break down of Heidegger? Can they help me through the murkiness of post-modern theory. More than anything I need a reliable editor who has a good turn around time. Often, I am let down by people who offer even the most simple feedback. Their follow through has left something to be desired. I resolved myself to not to turn my writing it its most vulnerable stages unless I am sure that my reader will help nurture my ideas and thoughts. So, I substitute real interaction and even real writing for this blog stuff. Now that I have wasted 50 minutes writing this blog…I supposed I can get back to writing these crappy papers.

Sunnah-tize My Life

Posted in Hijab, Music, Muslim, Sunnah by

I spent the entire day locked in my room writing my second qualifying paper. I have a draft due to turn in on Sunday. I heard a loud assured knock on my door. Mind you, Im sitting in my pink Pajamas all day, (still am). I ordered from Halalco almost three weeks ago. Everyday I came home with some faint hope that Id get a nice surprise in the mail. So, the joy must have been plastered over my face as I answered the door in my pink pin-striped PJs and black fluffy slippers with my delivery. I signed for it on that magical electronic signature thing. The delivery guy commented, You look like a kid at Christmas. I was so excited, but it wasnt Christmas. It was like a Muslim holiday of Eid.

I ordered all this stuff a month ago, inspired after watching some videos on You Tube.
I was procrastinating late at night and saw this clip from some kids at Davis.
Extreme Muslim Makeover: Home Edition

After watching the video, I realized I wasnt keeping it Sunnah. I fell off on the essential oils, no longer owned a Qiblah compass, and didnt have the miswak, and I couldnt find my dhikr beads. *
I felt like my room wasnt Muslim enough. People have been in my room and said it looks like Rock the Casbah. I brought back a bunch of interesting things from my travels. Sure, I got the Kaba picture, the 99 names glitter picture, prayer rugs, a hookah, a calendar of Mauritania boys and the white sheets, ahemI mean prayer clothes.** So, for days I searched on line, for black Abayas, big scarves, big gigantic prayer clothes, miswak, necklaces. I searched for all the things I find in Muslim peoples homes. I looked for the arsenal of cultural representations that say, Hey Im doing something Islamic. Sort of like the slippers to walk in the bathroom, or the water battle that in the bathroom.
Still, I felt like I had to Sunnahtize my life. What is Sunnahtize? A word I just made up. For me it is a slow process of beginning to incorporate aspects of the Prophetic traditions. Sunnahtize by adding Muslim traditions, cultural patterns, quirks, or objects that make you pretty cool. Just like the slippers in the bathroom thing. Or that Quran as the highest book in the house. Or it is hanging that little tiny Quran that you cant possibly read on your rear view mirror. Or it is that Allah necklace that says hey Im a Muslimword. Or it is that hijab or extra long beard. # Sort of like going to that shop and the Quran or nasheed tape playing in the background. ## Years ago, I used to never understand what they were saying, but hey I thought that sounds pretty nicecool.
You can even Sunnahtize your lingo. Saying things like Akhi or Ukhti (Brother or sister) MashaAllah Alhumdulillah, and Subhan Allah. (It is as God wills it, all praises due to Allah, Glory to Allah) all the time, If you are super fly with your Sunnah-slang, you got all sorts of expression. InshaAllah kheir, (If God wills it will be good) Barak Allah fik (Gods blessings in you). Youll call people Habibi and Habibati. (My love)You may even say Yaani (It means).If you are super Sunnahtize, you may even develop a Pakistani or Arab accent, depending on who you spend the most time with.
Sunnahtize can mean a lot of things for different people. Sunnahtize by adding Muslim traditions, cultural patterns, quirks, or objects that make you pretty cool. Some of us Sunnahtize by listening to Islamic music with clean lyrics, people like Sami Yusuf, Mecca2Medina, Tyson, or Sidi Yassir. Some of us Sunnahtize by attending every Islamic talk, lecture. Anyways, Im making baby steps, realizing Sunnahtize is really about making myself a better person. That requires inward change and not just outward symbols.

*Essential Oils because Muslims arent supposed to use alcohol; Qiblah the direction to Mecca; natural toothbrush made from the root of an Arak bush; Dhikr means remembrance. Muslims use them to remember Gods Attributes sort of like how Christians use a Rosary
** Kaba is the Holiest Muslim site located in Mecca ; 99 names of God that are mentioned in the Quran; hookah is a tobacco water pipe; Prayer clothes are extra modest gear for Muslim women.
# Hijab Head scarf worn by Muslim women
## Nasheed is Islamic music

Black Mothers Day

Posted in Black Women, Colorism, Mothers, Muslim by

I drove up to San Bruno for a get together with a sister of Nigerian descent who is graduating this year with a Ph.D. in history. On the way back we listened to a bit of Street soldiers. I forget who was talking, but someone commented on how black people especially love their mothers. The sister questioned whether it was true or not. This opened up for a long discussion. I said I think that black people love their mothers so much because they are the most stable fixtures in our family. Black mothers dont leave, they are providers, care-takers, nurturers, comforters. A majority of families are led by single women. In the conversation, I said this is all I have known. I said it is likely that Id be the third generation. This is why we used to get in fights when somebody talked about our mom. We dont talk back to our mothers, we always show deference to her.

I am a teaching assistant for African history and we are studying African women and colonialism. And the thing that keeps coming up the intense amount of labor African women do. To this day, women are in charge of carrying water (heavy and labor intensive), pounding grain, cultivating crops, cooking, and collecting firewood. Even in Muslim societies only wealthy families seclude their women where they dont work outside. Ive seen pictures of women walking miles carrying items to the market. These arent weak women. In America, black women were always laborers and workers. At times, they earned more than our men and this caused problems at home. Black women are always expected to make a contribution to the household in labor intensive activities. This goes for African women, Caribbean women, and black women in America. In the conversation, I mentioned that all these women are expected to hold it down, make financial contributions, and often just be really happy if our men just come around.

For months I have been thinking about my place on campus, in the muslim community, in the local community, in society, and the world as a black woman. There is something about being in this position as an educated and professional Muslim woman that has led to what Fanon has called Nervous conditions. I have only the women in my family to model myself after, and they are amazingly resilient women who defy any stereotype of black womanhood. I come from that tradition, of field workers, cooks, housekeepers, and wet-nurses. But that hard work didnt stop the women in my family from being beautiful. My grandmother is barely under five feet tall, petite little woman who took care of 6 children on her own. I was looking at one of her pictures with her smooth chocolate skin. Last August, she introduced me to her boss saying that her children were rainbow colored. My mother tells me stories about how the men used to be in love with grandmother. She was always attracted men from all races who would try to be with her. There were rumors and gossip, but she worked hard and she fed the neighborhood kids. She has taken care of her grandkids and even great grandkids. She worked in the fields, did janitorial work, and cooked for the soldiers. She could make anything by scratch. And she did this all with grace and elegance topped off with a mouth like a sailor. This last year, we thought we almost lost her but miraculously, she recovered.

Just as my mom grew up with a beautiful mother, I grew up with a stunning mother. But I saw her day to day struggle to raise two children on her own, until twelve years after I was born she gave birth to my sister. My mother got up at 5 in the morning, combed my hair, picked out my clothes, prepared me for school. She kept my brother out of trouble, made sure he was on track with work and school. She kept immaculate house, has always been a fierce cook, disciplined us, worked with us on our homework, and took us on trips and outdoor events. My mom read voraciously, even though she was told as a child black people were stupid. Nor did she have the opportunities to attend school like we did. But she made sure I had every tool I needed to advance. She went to schools where teachers told her she was stupid because she was black, and to this day she is astounded that her daughters score in the top percentiles in standardized tests. And as her oldest daughter is earning an MA at a prestigious university, her youngest daughter is preparing to enter college. A teacher one time had slapped my mother, and my aunt came and kicked her teachers ass. She had my brother young and that ended her aspirations for school, then it was about her children. Me and my brother scraped through, and graduated from high school. (I was actually forced to withdraw from school entirely after getting expelled in my senior year). I grew up never knowing how carefully she saved up just to make things happen. She never made it seem like it was a struggle. Her passion for education has driven and inspired me.

I look at my mother with her strength. I can only share a few stories that speak of her survival skills and her graceful struggle. Some stories are incredibly private and others terrifying. I can still see the eerie red lights and hear her voice after our car accident. A few days later, my mother dealt with the loss of a child, my oldest sister. I remember years later, when we got the first phone call from the hospital when my brother was in a accident, and they told us it was unlikely that he would make it. Less than six weeks before my mother nearly lost her son, she gave birth to my youngest sister. There my mom was, taking care of a 10 month old grandchild, a six month old infant, and 12 year old adolescent, she didnt whine collapse, or break down. She brought my brother home to take care of him, a young man whose life was shattered to a thousand pieces by a drunk driver. She had a house full of dependents and my sisters dad buckled under the stress. But my mom carried us all.

My mom always worked, as a child in the fields picking fruits and vegetables with her sisters, to a shoe shine girl on the city streets. She learned to sew and could whip up flashy suits for her man. She had to largely take care of herself from an early age. My mother has never leaned on or depended upon a man. And when we moved to California after my sister died and she divorced my dad, she found herself far from her familys support. It was just me, my brother and her for years. Reality made her a feminist, she couldnt sit at home and expect to survive and take care of her kids. But she loved fiercely and loyally. But momma didnt take no mess. And she taught me early on not to take abuse, lazy men or deceitful men. But she taught me to love and to take care of a good man, once I found him.

For years, I didnt understand why my mother was so hard on me. She told me one day when I was in high school, You need to learn how to cook, keep a good house, maintain my figure, take care of myself, get my education, get a good job, have good conversation because a black man would get a white woman who didnt do any of that. I went about constructing myself in this model of being that type of calm spoken, no attitude having, hard working, intellectual black woman who was feisty on the streets, but submissive at home. Maybe that plays a part in this over-achiever thing I have going, and the doing too much syndrome that happens in my relationships. But, I can still cook and Im holding it down in academia and she taught me not to get my expectations too high, right?

I used to see my mother, my aunts, my grandmother, my mothers friends struggle. And in the past I used to feel hopeless. I didnt want to do the single parent thing. I wanted to feel like I had a life partner, but my mother and my grandmother give me the courage to just move forward and love strong.
I had late lunch in celebration of mothers day. I looked at my mothers red brown skin that still glowed with a vibrancy. She was tired, carrying another burden full of love, taking care of her grandchild. I still look at her face, fine features and deep set eyes. Her long black hair, streaked with gray swept into a ponytail. This little woman, homeowner, driving her Mercedes came so far. I am proud to have her as my mom, I hope I can be half the woman she is. And the tradition is right, paradise lies at the mother’s feet.

Love you moms!